I couldn’t sleep for 2 days. That’s one of my earring warning signs that things are out of balance. I took some meds to settle things down as a PRN. I felt strange. Depressed, manic and a feeling that the world was a bit out of place.
I felt like my illness was harming my friends, family and partner. I felt like I was a burden on them. There seemed like only one solution -to end my life. I left my house and started implementing a plan I had since I first moved there. It would take me 25mins to get there.
As I walked it was before 7am. The people around me walked like they were actors or imposters making subtle but unusual signals to tell me something about my life. I didn’t have voices in my head but did have intrusive thoughts. As I walked past a school, a thought came into my head that I must be a pedo because I think kids are cute. I have never had sexual thoughts of children but have been called a pedo so much because I’m gay -I must have jnternalised it. I saw schoolboys from my old school and re-felt the pain of homophobic bullying and body shaming there.
I stopped to buy some smokes. May as well have a few before I ended my life. I reflected on my illness and what my family had gone through with my episodes. My partner called, I picked up and lied about where I was. If he knew my route, he would immediately know my plan. Even with my intense love for him and my absolute desire to protect him from pain, I still did the sums and thought he would be better off without me.
I sat down 50m away from where my life would end. Someone looked and me and gave a nice smile, it helped me to focus on a positive emotion even just briefly. Then, I thought about my funeral and lying in a coffin and I just didn’t want to die. I got my phone out and did a web chat with Lifeline and started to see that the burden of my death on others would be much greater than the burden of my life.
The world is better off with you so hold on.
By the Mad Unicorn.
If you have thoughts of death, get help now by calling 000 if it’s an emergency or call a mental health helpline.