I have always been overweight. As a gay man being really fat is particularly hard to deal with because we are a culture obsessed with either “skinny twinks” or “muscle mary’s”. Even “bears” who are meant to be accepting and body positive have little cliques depending on the size of your body and how hairy you are.
In my teens I had a toxic idealisation of people like Daniel Johns from Silvercair who said once that he nearly died of anorexia. Women are not the only ones affected by this terrible illness. It is a huge killer but I had a sick admiration for those who could binge and purge better than I could.
Different amphetamines including legal variants that were prescribed to me for obesity led me to lose 1/3 of my body weight. I couldn’t keep the weight off though and I was in a viscous cycle of eating because I was depressed and depressed because I was eating. I now walk a lot and eat slightly better but still deeply hate how I look in the mirror or photos.
I am working with a psychologist but wish good people like those at the Butterfly Foundation were just a little bit more sensitive to the psychologically needs of gay men with an eating disorder. The little rainbow flag on the Butterfly Foundation site is a good start though. Their major sponsorship from Sportsgirl is great but suggests I am outside their target audience and is a little alienating.
By the Mad Unicorn.